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| Just because someone doesn't love you
in the way you want them to,
doesn't mean that they don't love you
with all they've got.
-by Author unknown
I've been thinking of how true this quote has been (and is) in my
life. The funny thing is, the person I am with now is acting the
exact way that I have in the past. I believe I scared a lot of
people off because I was so desperate for so many things.. I just
wanted to be wanted. Lately, though, I feel nagged to want
someone when I just do not have the energy to do so. It hurts me
deeply. It's not that I don't want to want him or love him.. I'm
trying so hard to. But it's difficult when all that happens is
him arguing with me and ALWAYS, and I mean A L W A Y S, being right
(even when he is wrong). I am publically corrected, privately put
down.. built up on this pedestal and then knocked off of it. It
is so frustrating. I do not want to be a toy. I do not
deserved to be treated as last season's style. I am a person and
a woman and I demand respect for who I am and what I want to be.
I miss excitement. The kind of excitement that you'll fall madly
in love and fly off into outter space together. The kind where
you know it wont last forever but it's just fun while it lasts. I
know it's silly, but I love the idea of being chased by boys. I love
flirting.. and I love teasing. The problem is, I'm
not great at playing those games for long. I
last maybe a year, at best, and then I return to myself, choosing
honesty over sweet talk and charm. So getting chased by men didn't
happen that often.. but I miss it. I'm not saying that I want to
cheat in my relationship.. I just want him to want me
differently. I want him to want me the way he did before he had
me.
The dirty dreams are back again. Once every couple of months for
a few weeks I have these perverted dreams about people in my
past. You name him, I probably had a dirty dream about him.
But last nights was the kind where you have to look under the covers to
make sure you are still dressed because it was so life-like. I
wish I could take bits and pieces of every male in my life and mold him
into 'Mr. Perfect'. Last night's dream could be renamed "blast
from the past". I remembered him how he used to be.. so cute, so
sweet. Everything I want now and wouldn't have anything to do
with back then. Don't get me wrong, I love my child more than
anything and wouldn't ever change this position, but I kick myself for
always being so stupid.
I need to rest.
-Atomic Whimsy
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| I just wanted to post some lyrics and discuss them with myself (since God-knows who I'll allow to actually read this).
The song is At the Stars and it's by Better Than Ezra. This song
perfectly describes the exact way I feel my family thinks of me.
Let me break it down -
HERE WE ARE.
FOREIGN TO THEIR WORLD.
STRAIGHT AND COMPOSED.
YOUR SERMONS I CAN DO WITHOUT
AND I FINALLY FOUND.
THAT EVERYBODY LOVES TO LOVE YOU
WHEN YOU'RE FAR AWAY.
I am in South Carolina. I am out of the loop in my Ohio
life. I like to make believe that my life is nearly perfect even
though it isn't true, by far. They always attempt to give me
advice on how I can make my life better. It is almost like they
know I am lying, or, better yet, they believe that my best life isn't
good enough. It's easy to love me and lie about me when I'm not
there. They aren't as proud of me as they speak and I know it..
it goes without saying. So complicated but true. This
doesn't even really bother me, it's just an observation. I
suppose that many people that move far from home feel the same way.
That's all - AtomicWhimsy
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Rubbernecking.
We've all done it. Slowly turning our heads while driving past the
scene of an accident half-hoping but half-afraid of seeing a bloody
corpse looking back at us. We never actually think about this act
as we're doing it. Our brains register that if it is happening in
front of us, we have a right to see it. I suppose that's true -
to an extent.
But have you ever been on the other end of the stares? The one
laying there broken and bloody, screaming for help, as everyone drives
by? Crying and pleading, covering your face out of shame because
being gawked at is humiliating when you know they were all hoping that
maybe you were dead? I've been there and while I can't recall the
faces, the stares are burned into my mind forever. For that
moment in time I wasn't human. I wasn't real. I was trapped
in a metal cage unable to free myself like some zoo animal and it was
all I could do not to point and scream "You'll forget about me in a
week, after you tell all of your friends of the bleeding girl at the
side of the road..".
Enough about that.. just random thoughts, folks.
But does bring me to my next topic. Regret.
There are many things in my life I wish I could change. There is
at least one thing I have ever done/said to every person I know.. and I
wish I could change it.
Many times in my life I was so desperate for some sort of attention
that I had let myself beg for it. In my heart, I know I was so
desperate that some things I've done could be considered
whoring. Whoring is a harsh word, but it's so true. At one
time I was no better than a whore.. turning tricks for emotional
gain. I never got anything out of it either. I still
don't. I used up all the sexual emotion inside of me that I can
no longer associate love with sex. For example, sometimes I am
ready to burst at the seams for wanting to scream "If you loved me,
kissing would be enough". Because it's true. Sex isn't pure
and wholesome and sweet.. it's dirty, rotten, disgusting
politics. I have never met anyone in my entire life that has EVER
had sex without hoping for something in return. Whether it be
teenage boys to "get off" or wives and mothers hoping that if she'll do
it, he'll let her go to sleep. Hell, we no longer need sex to
populate the planet. But it's everywhere. Everything is
kinky. Some people are so obsessed with sex that they couldn't
even be telling you what they'd be doing otherwise if they weren't
involved in the act.
I lost my virginity way too young. I didn't even understand what
the act involved until mere weeks beforehand. But he wanted me
to. That was the first moment that I ever thought that if I would
just do it, I could use it as a tool. Afterward, he was so
obsessed with me until the point where I couldn't breathe. I
wanted nothing to do with him ever again. I even went as far as
telling his friend, between us, that if he would just cheat on me it
could all be over for a reason.
The second person I ever slept with was the most selfish lover of
all. He wanted it whenever he could get it.. and wherever as
well. I was so disgusted by him the entire time.. but I also used
what I had. With him I had a status. I had people talking
to me that never uttered two words before. I was never dateless
for any event and was promised I never would be.. but that promise came
with a big price. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and after
I attempted to rid myself of him several times, he decided our break-up
was "mutual".
The third guy.. wow. I hardly even slept with him at all (which
was probably a good thing), but I always found myself just LOST inside
of his soul. He was the most pure creature that I had ever
seen. His heart had no evil though it seemed full of fright.. he
was like an abused puppy. And oh, how I wanted to nurse him back
to life. Little did I know, he had a life and there was nothing
wrong with him.. but just looking at that face was like staring at
God. And not because he looked like Brad Pitt (or even
close). I don't know what it was. I don't think I ever
will. It's very easy to be sitting and doing absolutely nothing
yet to find my thoughts wondering why I unintentionally/intentionally
let myself ruin it all.
My finally lover can be described as a class A jerk. While not
equal to the selfish one in many ways, he still has a "me, me, me"
complex that I am not able to break him of. My world consists of
screaming "ow, that hurts" and having it translate into, "Please, do it
harder". He would probably do anything that I asked of him, no
matter how weird the instruction is, but it, too, disgusts me.
Sometimes it isn't about the sex. It's about holding and touching
and FEELING something in your heart.. but I don't think that is
ever coming back.
This has gotten long. For that I apologize.
-Atomic Whimsy
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